Dear Little Girl trapped inside,
I was thinking about you. I felt your heart. I felt you because my heart began to feel heavy. It started to tingle. Then it just went numb. Are you hurting? Tell me what’s wrong. I can understand you. You say no one understands how you feel? Sweetheart, that is not true, and I can prove it.
Numbness is a feeling I remember all to well. I remember not the numbness of feeling no pain, but the numbness of invisibility. I felt trapped in a body that was useless. It didn’t look like I wanted it to look. It didn’t move the way I wanted it to look, and it was dull and boring. There was nothing special about me. I remember not even understanding why I woke everyday. The only thing my body did was get me pick on, laughed at, and looked over. My heart broke everyday, because I didn’t understand why I had to ensure daily embarrassment and be the daily entertainment. I remember having feelings for a boy. I liked him so much. He would smile at me and make me laugh. He actually would hang out with me and seek me out through out the day. I was on cloud 9. I was NEVER going to tell him how I felt, because I was told by another boy that men do not like fat girls and will never date a fat girl. So I internalized my feelings for the boy I liked and just enjoyed the interactions that we had. Yes, I would dream about him. Yes, I would pretend we were a couple. Well, it all came crashing down. We were at a school assembly, and Boy and I were laughing together. Another girl noticed, and joined in. Before long, she made the comment that I liked Boy. My face could not deny it. Everyone began to laugh and tease Boy. Boy stopped being my friend from that day forward. Boy then became one of the ones who would tease and laugh at me. Heart break City.
I didn’t trust anyone. Have you ever want something from people so much, but didn’t trust people to actually give it to you? Well I wanted family. I was born the only child. I was raised with no siblings. I had no family in the city I grew up in, and there were no children in my neighborhood. I went to school and just come straight home. Food was my best friend. I remember having a boy in my class with the same last name as me. We figured it was just a coincidence. Well, one day my parents and I went to go visit my grand dad. While we were there, in walks Boy from class. We both looked at each other with surprise. I was excited! We learned we were cousins. I was so happy to finally have family near me. I played out in my mind how close we were going to become, and the things we would do together. Little did I know, He wanted NOTHING to do with me. I was an embarrassment to him. We became the LEADER of bullies to me. We had homeroom together. The teacher asked me to pass out papers. As I was going from desk to desk, somehow he stuck a sign on my back with the words “FAT ASS” on it. I had the sign on my back for at least 15 minutes while people were laughing under their breaths. It wasn’t until a girl in our class FINALLY to pity on me and told me what my “cousin” did. Heart break City.
I remember feeling like a waste of space. I just went through the motions of living everyday. Even into my adulthood, the feelings of rejection, invisibility, unattractive, lack of motivation, anger, no energy, fear, and sadness were on constant rotation in my everyday life. I remember going to a dinner for a friend. I was seated at a table with other people I didn’t know. There was this one guy I thought was attractive. I stared talking to him to get him to interact with me. I never thought you could see THROUGH a person before. However, this guy looked right through me. He would respond to what I was saying, but not once did he ever look me in my eyes. And his body language CLEARLY said I was not worthy to talk to him and he was only talking to me out of pity. Heart Break City.
Being in a state of depression, is like being trapped in a block of ice. You can see others moving around you. You can see people looking at you. Some with pity, some with compassion, and some with disgust. Disgust because your depression is self-inflicted. You should just “snap out of it”. But you and I both know, you can’t just snap out of it. When you are in the block of ice, you are trapped with your own thoughts. You tell yourself that you are useless, pointless, and everyone would be better off with out you here. You feel like a disappointment to everyone. You get to a point where you start thinking how life would be for others if you are just not there. I have been low honey. So, low I just wanted to close my eyes and never open them again. My whole life was a series of being put down and words made to make me feel like I was nothing.
BUT…..
Something happened. I said the wrong thing to the right person. I said I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up to the right person. Who is the right person? The person who cares so much for your well being that they physically take you to get the help you need. I was taken to a counseling center. I worked with a therapist until I started seeing the light. What am I telling you? I telling you there is life after depression. There is life after tragedy. There is life after whatever has happened. I am living proof. You can be happy, joyful, visible, motivated, inspiring to other women. You can and will get through the pain and fear. You can and will break through the ice. Because you have a mission. You have a story to share. You have a testimony to give so other women do not burn out and fade away. They need you. You need them. We all have gifts and talents to share with the world. So now, take a deep breath and say “I’m ready!”.
Alicia is a Confidence Coach. She helps career driven women experience freedom from self-doubt and negative thinking to be more successful in business and career by offering services designed to strengthen confidence and self-worth. Her life mission is to help every woman feel BOLDER, DEEPER, and HAPPIER! Loving what she has to say so far?? Take her for a test drive! CLICK HERE
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